So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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