pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
