Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
