Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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