News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
high people should be assigned attendants
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
