Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
