I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
