Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
