Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
