before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
