Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
