i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
