it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
