On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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