you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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