When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
