How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
