I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
