I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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