theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
