She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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