theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
