he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
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Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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