i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize