Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she smelled like a LAN party
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
try to milk me bitch
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
