I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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