On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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