god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
time to smoke my breakfast
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
