Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
