Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
