Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
