dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
