I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
