you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
