Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
