If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
