Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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