a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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