I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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