Just fell off a train. Bad.
it hurts more in the daytime
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
