I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
