he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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