Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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