i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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