Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
