Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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