i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance