I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
