people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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