can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
