i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
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I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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