I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
