There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize