I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
