I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
