Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
